The Opinionated Wench  

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In response to the allegations that 1. Santa is not real and 2. that it is physically impossible for him to make his rounds each year:

Santa is real, he just has help.

What do you think all the Shopping Mall Santas do when you go home on Christmas eve? You don't believe that they're all THE real Santa do you? They're just "contract Santas". You see, each one is responsible for a particular district near the mall that they visit. That's why they go to the malls, to find out what the neighbourhood boys and girls want, because Santa doesn't have the time to check his entire list twice AND poll all the good boys (and the one or two non-evil girls that exist [see "Are Girls Evil?"]) to find out what they want.

The problem is that in only a few short centuries, North Pole Inc. (originally a Canadian company I might add and I do) has gone from a small local business to a thriving multi-trillion dollar international corporate enterprise.

The REAL Santa is still the CEO and owner but he doesn't have time to make the rounds anymore since he's too busy overseeing the year-round toy production, keeping enough reindeer stock to run the Santa fleet and chicking up on the boys and girls that don't report to their designated regional Santa with their wish list. Besides, after the incident last year he isn't allowed to pilot a sled anymore. Although the rumor about the North Pole being shut down is baseless rumor-mongering. The photos didn't help his cause either. Santa HAS expressed some interest in retiring sometime in the near future and leaving the operation of North Pole Inc. to his second, Saint Patrick, who has some radical ideas regarding possibly dropping one of the 'Christmas Colours'(tm) as "Excessive and unnecessary." No word yet as to which colour would get the chop.

Things are shaky right now on other fronts, too. The elves used to have January through November off, and since they're immortal, believe me they remember! Now many of them suffer from serious depression due to over-working and keep talking about "the winter of their years" and "leaving for the West". Since they're at the north pole and the only direction it is possible to go is south, the company psychiatrists figure that the "going to the west" and "leaving these shores" is just and elven metaphor for suicide and that "the winter" is a symbolic representation of hard labour. Since they used to only do hard work in winter but now they work hard all year they view this entire time as "the winter of their years". The problem is that the more elves that go "to the West", the fewer there are left to meet quota. It's a vicious cycle and it keeps Jolly Old Saint Nick quite busy.

As a stop-gap, several generations ago they started to hire hobbits to fill all the PR posts, since the elves have all become too depressed to deal effectively with the public and making toys is what truly makes them happy. To avoid further confusion, the PR Hobbits continued to use the term "Elf" to refer to Santa's workers, hence the confusion about the "Short Elves" such as the Keebler "Elves" and the "Santa's little helper" image we know today. These are all really Hobbits.

Even though producing toys makes the elves generally happy, I'll warn all of you now, don't try to take the toys away from the elves before they're finished with them, they get REALLY cranky!

Why, I remember this one time, way back in the early days, one of Santa's shipping agents, a fellow named Morgoth (who, by the way, went on to found the incredibly successful Melkor Inc.) accidentally took some green plastic beads for a necklace that was supposed to go to little Tonya Leifsdotter of Oslo Norway, before the maker was completed his work. So this elf, a chap named Feanor, goes totally ballistic and declares a blood feud between himself, his family and anyone that tries to take any of his plastic beads! He even eventually took his case to Manwe, head of Human Resources (well, Elf Resources actually, but ER has a different meaning nowadays) and after a long court battle, managed to get Morgoth banished to the murky depths outside the civilized world. That's why Melkor Inc was a Toronto based company.

So yes, Santa is still around, but the guy that comes down your chimney won't be him, he'll be a contracted "owner/operator" sled-driver. And THAT is how Santa gets all his presents delivered to millions of households each year.

Wow, this ended up longer than I expected. Hope you found it informative and illuminating.

Eogan, Market Research Analyst-Christmas Colour(tm) Feasability Commitee, North Pole Inc.

P.S. You'll all be happy to hear that sweet little Tonya Leifsdotter DID receive her green-bead necklace on time in good order. Santa ALWAYS delivers.


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